I Am A Selfish Jerk.

What am I supposed to do? How is it that my life winds its way around into grand examples of irony at every turn? See the previous post. See how I feel a little content with my choices for myself finally? And don't get me wrong...I still am, with every fibre of my being.

However, I had a great job interview today. Which is just awful. I wanted it to go badly, so I could skip out of the room and think "Oh well!" This job is bad because it offers:
- a cool work environment
- my own OFFICE.
- medical/dental/vision benefits
- a retirement fund
- my OWN OFFICE. Love.

Yeah, see how much that stinks? Now, I realize that I have not been offered the job yet, but what if they do? What will I say?

a) Duh, Jana. You need health insurance and some cash flow, plus a place to work up. Do it.
b) Hello? Who just decided to work 30 hours/week to have more time to focus on the real reason for moving to Austin?

Sigh. People would think I'm an absolute loon for turning an offer like that down, but I think my gut says I have to. What do I want? A list:

- money to pay rent, utilities, gas, food.
- some extra to invest into music items such as press kit printings, posters, swag, and gear. Ideally, music will eventually pay for music, but that ain't never gonna happen unless I work at this with everything I have.
- TIME. I need time to write, to network in the evenings, to do the enormous amount of online maintenance and correspondence that needs doing, to practice, to be available at the last minute.
- the freedom to take a 3 day weekend and play a gig somewhere outside of Austin. Do mini-tours. Go back to Albuquerque.
- a job that when the time does come to do a longer jaunt on the road, won't make me feel like a heartless jerk for quitting.

Is that selfish? Is it impractical? I told Josh today that I don't think it's utterly impractical because we ARE approaching this in as practical of a manner that we can. I'm not sitting on my butt waiting for gigs to come, or waiting for songs to come anymore. I spent 5 years in college putting things off. Saying "oh I'll write more in the summer." Or "too bad that gig is on a school night." It didn't get things done. Things are happening NOW, and I think I just have to ride this wave out until it ends. Am I a dreamer? Yeah. But I guess I'd rather be one of those than in perpetual "I'll do it when I have more time" mode...been there, done that...not fun, just depressing.

And is it selfish? Susan once said she chose a job that gives her applause every 3.5 minutes for a reason. True. I get that rush, I really do. But who does anything toward their ultimate career goal that does not involve that little bit of selfishness? A lawyer wins a trial, a doctor saves a life, a philantropist feeds a child...a musician connects with another human being? Is that so bad to have that rush? I love playing music, I love writing it, I love listening to other people play it, I love shaking hands and adding Myspace friends and driving and setting up and I love watching people from my corner in the coffeehouse. I love it all. I don't want to give it up. I don't want to make a decision that will force me to compromise. I'm done with compromise.