crank.

i am freaking sick and freaking tired. i don't even know of what. i am tired of scratching my way up this "thing" i have invented in my mind called a "path" that is probably going to disappoint me whatever way it turns out. i fear i have talked myself into one route to happiness. maybe should accept life as it is. and maybe i can't do anything better than a CD that is in my brain riddled with flaws when i listen to it. yeah, that's right. it ticks me off to listen to myself.

i am tired of sycophants i meet in this "music world" who falsely boost my ego probably because maybe i don't even know why. i've met some jerks lately.

i don't want to be a just another folk songwriter that maybe luckily uses "different words" to describe the same emotion every freaking human being feels and understands and doesn't need to be reminded of anyway. oh look, i can thumb through a thesaurus. i'm special.

i don't want a profession that can't solve world hunger and poverty. and nothing has so far. so i guess i'm out of luck. too bad.

i am sick of listening to music and comparing myself to it. i am never good enough.

i am tired of little conquests that keep me trying for the next week until that little conquest and false ego boost wears off and i am stuck with myself again.

i want to freaking move to freaking boston or alaska or paris where i don't know anybody and i won't meet anybody so no one will know me at all and maybe i'll write a crap book and they'll publish it when i die in my apartment alone because what a weird little hermit she was. geez. crap.

i am tired of working around people who seem to be self-actualized or who are at least working on something they feel passionate about. i am tired of phoning it in. i am jealous of them.

but as per the above rant, what the crap am i SUPPOSED to do? am i supposed to shut up and sit down and QUIT trying to "find myself" or am i supposed to just accept that life usually doesn't work out according to all those unhappy people wandering around out there?

maybe i'll regret this in a week. whatever.